So, I’m going to be really real right now. I found out yesterday that I have a healthy baby boy growing inside of me. That’s amazing, right?? Especially at my age. Once you get older and get pregnant words like “advanced maternal age” and “high risk pregnancy” get thrown around a lot. But I’m sad and disappointed. And it’s not because of those words …. it’s because I just heard the word BOY being used yesterday to describe my child.
Yesterday, Nick and I found out that we’re having a boy. Loud and clear on the ultrasound, there it was – BOY. (Read more about the fun story of our gender reveal here.) But the word Boy did not thrill either of us, we both wanted a baby girl.
Speaking for myself, I’ve wanted a girl all of my life. Since as long as I can remember, since I found out my mom was pregnant with a third child (I’m the oldest), I wanted a girl to take care of, to dress up and play with, to relate to, to love and mentor. I’ve wanted that so badly. But, my mom had another son and I another brother, and although I love both of my brothers, I’ve just always held onto hopes that somehow a girl would enter my life. It wouldn’t be as a biological sister, but perhaps it could be as my own daughter.
So fast forward to 2004, when I found out I was pregnant with Reagan. Honestly, I was a tad bit disappointed that he wouldn’t be that daughter. But, he was my first child … I thought I’d have the opportunity to have more children and perhaps one of those would be the daughter I longed for. So I started making plans for him and loving him as a boy. And oh my goodness, I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I’ve grown to love that boy more than I could ever imagine.
Time went by, and so did my marriage. And I grew older. And the idea of having that girl slowly slipped away. I had actually come to peace with the fact that my only child would be a boy, and that I wasn’t going to have that girl I’d wanted since childhood.
After remarrying about three years ago, we talked about having another child. I was on the fence, Nick definitely wanted one. But my clock was ticking and we weren’t getting pregnant. I’d finally talked Nick into being happy with just having Reagan in our lives – no other children. I mean, Reagan is 11 – think of all the fun Nick and I could have in 7 short years!
But then, surprise!! We were pregnant. I’ve struggled with the reality of this pregnancy. I wasn’t necessarily ready. I’m speaking honestly here, I’m not that type of woman that loves being pregnant, that loves carrying a child and wants to procreate. I love children, I really do. I used to be a preschool teacher for years! I knew I wanted to teach young children just about as early on as I knew I wanted a girl to love in my life. I just never really yearned to carry and birth a child.
I also wanted a little girl this time because I already have a the best boy in the world, my favorite boy, my pal, my sidekick, my Reagan. I can’t imagine loving another boy like I love this one, and I don’t ever want to take away from the love that I have for him. We’ve been through thick and thin, he was the main guy in my life while I was a single mom, we share a special connection. How can I even have another connection as strong as the one I have with my first born son?
And then there was the hope that this time, I may have that little girl to buy dresses for, to play dolls with, to shop with and take to dance classes. Maybe this time, I would have the girl that I could enjoy spa dates with, watch her fall in love, plan her wedding and guide her as she prepared to become a mom herself. I could love a boy and a girl.
And then yesterday, for a brief, fleeting moment, I thought my wish had come true.
I mean, look how happy we were. We thought we were having a girl. But, that quickly changed. If you read my post about the Gender Reveal, you know that Reagan sprayed the wrong silly string and the ultrasound actually said boy.
I continued to smile when we found out the error, I laughed and I put on a happy face. But part of me was sad, very sad. But what are you going to say? I feel awful, ashamed, like a bad mom because I’m not thrilled that I’m having another boy. I know that there are so many women out there that would do anything to just have A CHILD – boy or girl. And here I am unhappy because I’m not having the gender I want. Wow.
But you know what, that’s real life, it’s real emotion and it’s what makes me a real person. And I know that I’m not the only one who has felt this. Later in the evening I started google searching and found out that there are so many women who have Gender Disappointment. And who feel the same way I do. It’s actually pretty normal – it’s just not as talked about.
Nick and I went out to dinner last night after finding out we’d be raising a boy and immediately tried to spin things to the positive. We told ourselves that a little boy is easier to shop for, I already know how to raise one because I’ve had practice with Reagan, and we won’t be paying a pretty penny for a wedding in the future 🙂 All positives to having a boy, right? We started searching boy names and we purchased our first boy onesies. We’re embracing what we can’t change.
I’m sure I will struggle with the fact that I’m not having a girl for a while. Nick and I don’t plan to have any more children, so this was my last shot at that beautiful mini me daughter. But when I look at the boy I already have, the pain is lessened a bit, because he is absolutely amazing. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and if I’m lucky enough to have a boy as sweet, kind, smart, and talented as Reagan, then I really couldn’t ask for anything else. I will be one blessed Boy Mom.